Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Fiddler's Elbow in New Jersey to Unveil Renovated River Course

Fiddler's Elbow Country Club will unveil this season its renovated River Course, one of three golf courses at the private corporate club that follow the Lamington River in Bedminster Township, N.J.

The new River Course consists of two original nines designed by golf course architect Hal Purdy in 1965, combining what most recently were the front nine of the Meadow Course and front nine of the River Course.

"We have retained the classic style of the River Course, while adding a modern touch," said Tom Breiner, GCSAA, Fiddler's Elbow golf course superintendent who directed the renovation.

Among the major changes to the River Course, the No. 1 hole was shortened from a par-5 to a par-4, complete with a new green complex. No. 6 hole has been lengthened from a par-4 to a par-5, which stretches 550 yards from the new back tees. The course will remain a par 72.

Bunkering changes can be found throughout the River Course. Existing bunkers were redone or replaced with new traps. Further infrastructure work included a complete modernization of the irrigation and drainage systems, along with several miles of new asphalt cart paths.

"The course will be a better test of golf," Breiner said. "Each hole will be more interesting and more appropriate for today's modern game."

The River Course routing is along the Lamington River, the Meadow Course is within the confines of the old dairy meadows and pastures and the Forest Course is situated amongst the hardwoods and evergreens on the southwest corner of the property. All three layouts feature bentgrass greens, fairways and tees, with Kentucky bluegrass/fescue roughs.

"The latest improvements have been made to maintain our standard of playing conditions and improve the aesthetics of the course," Breiner said. "The redesign is nothing severe. Our goal was to make improvements, but maintain the integrity of each golf hole."

Fiddler's Elbow Country Club unveils is renovated River Course

BEDMINSTER TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- Combining classic style with modern technology and agronomics, Fiddler’s Elbow Country Club will unveil this season its renovated River Course, one of three distinguished golf courses at the private corporate club that follow the natural, rolling terrain along the Lamington River.

The River Course now features a modified configuration that alters course strategy throughout. The new layout consists of two original nines designed by renowned golf course architect Hal Purdy in 1965, combining what most recently were the front nine of the Meadow Course and front nine of the River Course.

“We have retained the classic style of the River Course, while adding a modern touch,” said Tom Breiner, GCSAA, Fiddler’s Elbow golf course superintendent who directed the renovation project.

Among the major changes to the River Course, the No. 1 hole was shortened from a par 5 to a par 4, complete with a new green complex, while the No. 6 hole has been lengthened from a par 4 to a par 5, which is to play 550 yards from the new back tees. The course is to remain a par 72.

Bunkering changes can be found throughout the River Course. Existing bunkers were redone, or replaced with new bunkers located more strategically to accommodate the modern player and equipment. Further infrastructure work included complete modernization of the irrigation and drainage systems, along with the laying of several miles of asphalt cart paths.

“The course will be a better test of golf,” Breiner said. “Each hole will be more interesting and more appropriate for today’s modern game.”

The ensemble of golf courses are the focal point of Fiddler’s Elbow Country Club, nestled along a scenic span of Somerset and Hunterdon Counties of northwestern New Jersey. The distinctive routings of each of the golf courses traverses their natural habitat.

The River Course routing is along the Lamington River, the Meadow Course is within the confines of the old dairy meadows and pastures and the Forest Course is situated amongst the hardwoods and evergreens on the southwest section of the property. All these course routings provide a unique diversity of scenic as well as championship golf challenges. The 54 holes at Fiddler’s Elbow comprise New Jersey’s largest range of golf options, while retaining an intimate golf environment.

As the courses have undergone alterations the past 40-plus years, one constant has been their superior playing conditions, which feature Bentgrass greens, fairways and tees, with Kentucky bluegrass/fescue rough throughout each layout.

“The latest improvements have been made to maintain our standard of playing conditions and improve the aesthetics of the course,” Breiner said. “The redesign is nothing severe. Our goal was to make improvements, but maintain the integrity of each golf hole.”

The design characteristics still include numerous uphill and downhill shots, several doglegs and mostly generous fairway landing areas.

The River Course now begins with what most recently was the front nine of the Meadow Course, and closed with a new back nine consisting of what was the front nine of the River Course. As a result of the changes, the Meadow Course now consists of the back nines of the two courses, while the Forest Course was unaffected by the renovation.

About Fiddler’s Elbow Country Club

Founded in 1965, Fiddler’s Elbow offers executives an escape from the halls of industry and commerce to the amenities of fine dining, superior golf and business facilities. Fiddler’s Elbow provides its membership an atmosphere conducive to both formal and informal exchange of ideas where business and social relationships can be nurtured. Although it is the largest private country club in the state, Fiddler’s Elbow retains an intimate environment and service that is personal and attentive. The three superbly conditioned courses offer a unique diversity of challenge and a broad range of options for both personal play and private events. The club proudly hosts some of the most prestigious corporate, charity and PGA golf tournaments in the state. The club is located at 811 Rattlesnake Bridge Road, Bedminster Township, N.J. For general information call (908) 439-2123; for the golf shop call (908) 439-2513.